How to apologize

What makes a good apology?

Mistakes are part of our human experience. Sometimes we shelf the memory and dismiss the pain of these mistakes, then find ourselves in a position in which need to apologize. So how do we do it?

1.     Try going to a new place.  Maybe you have discussed this issue with your partner a million times while in your bedroom. Try talking about it at a coffee shop next time. Being in public will give each party extra incentive to remain calm and reasonable.

2.     Listen to the other person with the intention of truly understanding. If you take a stance of interest and caring the other person will feel heard. Validate the other person’s emotions by saying something like “I hear you describing how hurt I made you feel, and I’m sorry I was the one who broke the news to mom that you were fired.” 

3.     Be willing to talk about it again. Most apologies are an ongoing conversation, and it might be helpful to leave that first attempt at an apology with a plan of when you will talk about the issue again. 

4.     Keep it short and brief. It’s best to communicate your apology, then listen to the other person without blaming them (blame will get you no where productive).

5.     Remember that the healing part of giving the apology is not in the response you receive in return. Try initiating an apology with the goal of connection, not forgiveness. Sometimes the other party may never offer forgiveness. The act of apologizing in itself can bring us peace and a sense of pride in ourselves because apologizing is hard.